Well, here it is: the final year of my formal schooling. Yes, it's beginning to sink and the cold hard reality of "the real world" is getting closer and closer. Why not document my decent into adulthood for the enjoyment of those reading?
I actually know what I want to do. I think it would lovely to be a web designer or an illustrator. My one problem is something that began surfacing in high school. That would be my sense of independence and individualism. I suppose I've always been this way, but when I was 11, I decided art could be no good logically because you can't make any money at it. This didn't erase my interest or the fact that everybody thought I was really good. It just focused my attentions on something more congenial like being a veterenarian or photo-journalist or critical writer or something like that. By the time I entered high school, I decided I wasn't very good at science and not analytical enough for much else. My art teachers turned me on to commercial art and I just assumed I'd stick with that. Gradually, I discovered that that didn't interest me much either. Why should I work for someone else who I don't even care about or relate to?
Well, that attitude brought me to art school where I originally opted for Illustration to focus on graphic novels and book illustration(which I still plan on doing one day). That, however was a short-lived dream. I twiddled with the idea of Painting, but got turned on to Printmaking and Photography instead. Which leads us to now. I want to do what I want. If that involved working with obscure bands and internet sites. So be it.
But then money becomes and issue. I don't fancy being broke the rest of my life. But I want to enjoy my work. There's the crux of the matter. I haven't even prepared myself for employment. I mean even freelancers have to get out those resumes and look sharp, etc. etc. I don't even have my resume. Also this semester is that of my thesis show. I want to do a multi-media installation but am so afraid it won't work or won't happen at all. I have roughly 4 and a half months to knock everyone off their socks. Luckily I'm not burnt out yet and am very much ready. I am just so nervous. I know this struggle means very little to anybody else, but if you are even in college or working your ass off to do what you like, maybe you know what I mean. I don't want to be a meaningless lump in the annals of time. To me, Art and knowledge are the most lasting things. I just want to contribute to the race.

12/8/99 v.2